Who am I becoming? Series of Identity and Beginnings. 1
Who Am I Becoming?
A Journey of Reflection, Desire, and the Quiet Architecture of Identity
By Arafa Alhammadi
Some questions arrive softly at first, barely audible, like a whisper passing through the corridors of the soul.
And there are questions that refuse to leave.
They follow you into your mornings, your training sessions, your silence, your failures, your ambitions, your prayers.
For me, the question has always hovered between two worlds:
Who am I becoming?
I will give you a glimpse of my usual intro: Hi, my name is Arafa Alhammadi.
I was named Arafa because I was born on the day of Arafa. The name Arafa has roots in both Arabic and Swahili, meaning "knowledgeable," "to know," or "recognition." What I do for a living: I make people feel good about themselves through personal development and professional development.
My name is a blessing and a Curse based on an old Arabic proverb:
The saying "Every person has a share of their name" is an old Arabic proverb that means that a person's name may affect their personality and how others perceive them, as people tend to expect certain qualities based on the meaning or sound of the name, which may drive a person to try to achieve these qualities or rebel against them. This supports the idea that choosing good names that express positive meanings is desirable.
Why? Because my name was one I never liked, it's unusual among the traditional, classic Arabic names. A fun fact is that I'm still being thought of as a man, as the name Arafa is more masculine than feminine. Interesting isnt?
- Islamic Tradition: The name carries deep religious weight, referring to the essential day of prayer and self-reflection during the Hajj pilgrimage, making it a symbol of piety and devotion.
- Wisdom: Reflects a thirst for understanding and a commitment to learning, as seen in ancient figures revered for imparting knowledge.
Now, the other dark side of my name: I love to learn, and no matter how much I learn, it's not enough; the creativity is never-ending, and the exhaustion that comes with it is also never-ending. I love yet it drains my trust. Me when I say that. I can go on about my Shadow self, but that's for my dear reader; it will be for another journey ahead in Sha Allah. However, I keep on asking myself if I make people feel good about themselves, what about me? Why am I not giving it to myself? Am I not enough? Am I unworthy? Unloved? Appreciated?
This is the Series of Identity and Beginnings.
Welcome To Arafa's World: The Divergent Life Architect
Who am I becoming?
Not “Who am I?” because that answer shifts with seasons, storms, and scars.
But becoming that is motion. That is metamorphosis. That is the divine process of unfolding.
This past year, my life turned into a field of experiments: personal, professional, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical.
I became both student and teacher, architect and wanderer, destroyer and builder.
And somewhere between the countless conversations, the ruthless mentorship from Marcus ( My Mentor), the rebirth of Arafa’s World, the painful lessons of relationships, and the relentless reconstructions of my identity, I began to sense a deeper truth:
I am no longer the woman I used to be.
And I am not yet the woman I will become.
I am the bridge.
I. The Silent Phase: Where Identity Begins in the Dark
Becoming does not begin with clarity.
It begins with confusion, discomfort, ego, and fear.
It begins in the quiet war between what you tolerate and what your soul refuses to accept.
For months, I lived in a paradox:
I wanted to be seen, but I didn’t want to show my face.
I wanted presence, but I craved disappearance. ( Which is something I learned throughout the year, to disappear it's because I wanted to be seen)
I wanted a stage, but I wanted silence.
I wanted love, but I feared the loss & pain it always came with.
And so I found myself sitting in the dark corners of my room, asking:
Why is my heart restless? Always on edge between falling and stabilizing myself on the edge of everything in my life.
Why do I push myself like a hybrid athlete in all layers of life?
Why do I rebuild myself every time the world misunderstands me?
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Identity is not a title.
Identity is not an Instagram bio.
Identity is not the collection of achievements we polish for society.
Identity is the sum of our emotional endurance.
It is the ability to collapse and rise, repeatedly, without losing the softness that makes us human.
II. The Reckoning: Letting the Truth Sting Without Running Away
This year forced me to admit things I had avoided for years:
My ego still fears humiliation. Yet I would face them all at once, knowing I will forget about it tomorrow.
My image still catches me off guard sometimes, even in mundane moments like driving my father’s old Mitsubishi. I still do it when there are no other cars to drive to move from point A to B.
My boundaries were too soft, too forgiving. Because I grew up being taught by old school style ( if I did X, I would get Y, there are always conditions)
My dreams were too big to fit into a normal life. I was always misunderstood, too loud, too vibrant, too random, too active, so many dreams, many different jobs, etc., but that was my ADHD.
And my pain, yes, even the pain, had purpose.
The ruthless honesty of this journey was my awakening.
Every time I tried to sugar-coat reality, Marcus would tear the veil off brutally like any CEO of a great mind will do:
“The idea is weak.”
“This strategy is not sustainable.”
“Your emotional reasoning is valid, but not enough.”
“Be stronger. Think bigger. Don’t hide.”
I hated it sometimes; it was irritating, annoying.
But I needed it every single time. That call to wake up, observe, learn, and apply.
Growth demands humiliation before it grants elevation.
And identity demands truth before it gives direction.
III. The Architecture of Becoming: Building AWCN, Building Myself
As AW Collective Nexus™ began forming brick by brick, I never knew I would build it. The fact that the highs and lows of my life were always leading me to it, I only realized that by 2024, the signs were there, something inside me mirrored its structure. The fact that I knew the answer, but I kept on avoiding running away from a reality that is absolutely set for me, was crazy. Allah was there when I got rejected over 1100+ times from job interviews, and I blamed myself, thinking I was at fault, the unwanted one. The idea of revenge never left. It all started when I was 12 years old. A part of my memory is lost due to the severe pain, a traumatizing one. Left like this, and led me to where i am today so to this I am thankfull to Allah for letting me reach this point to share it with the world to whom ever it needs to hear it, read it, and feel it. You are not ALONE.
So, AWCN™- AW Collective Nexus™. It's my whole self, A for Arafa, W for World. It's and always will be Arafa's World. AWCN™ is:
Ecosystems.
Strategies.
Vision maps.
Legacy frameworks.
Identity pillars.
Narratives.
Energy dashboards.
Hybrid athlete philosophy.
Financial blueprints.
Emotional maps.
It wasn’t just a business.
It was a reflection of my becoming.
I realized something profound:
Every brand I build is a version of myself finding language.
AWCC™ is my heart.
AWFC™ is my discipline.
AWPS™ is my voice.
AWSN™ is my need for community and connection.
Emerald Hall of Wisdom is the woman I want to become at her peak.
And Arafa’s World is the soul that ties all of it together.
Becoming is not abstract.
Becoming is a structure.
A system.
A living architecture.
I am not reinventing myself randomly.
I am designing who I will be.
IV. The Emotional Body: Where Fitness Meets Spirit
In training for CrossFit, cycling, running, calisthenics, and boxing, I discovered a truth most people never notice:
Every emotion has a motor pattern.
- Anger makes you explosive.
- Sadness makes you slow.
- Fear tightens your breath.
- Hope extends your stride.
- Clarity gives rhythm.
- Faith gives endurance.
I finally understood:
Gym or outdoor workouts are not where I train my body.
It is where I train my becoming.
- It is where discipline replaces doubt.
- Where silence replaces overthinking.
- Where rage transforms into power.
- Where grief becomes stamina.
- Where introspection meets momentum.
And it is where I learned something life-altering:
Identity is not in the mind alone.
Identity is in the body.
V. The Return to Faith: A Heart That Wants the Right Kind of Love
I had to finally admit what I kept burying under strength:
I want a gentleman.
Not to complete me.
Not to fix me.
Not to rescue me.
But to walk beside me.
My heart is not naïve; it is cautious, wise, bruised but unbroken.
My prayers are quiet but consistent.
My desire is not desperation; it is alignment with a natural human longing.
Becoming is not about becoming stronger alone.
It is about becoming whole.
VI. The Emerging Identity: A Woman in the Middle of Her Becoming
After everything, the coaching, the architecture, the tears, the strategies, the rebuilding, the ego wars, the prayers, the silence, the awakenings, I arrived at a revelation:
I am becoming a woman of depth, discipline, divergence, and destiny.
A woman who builds ecosystems, narratives, and communities.
A woman who stands firm yet remains soft.
A woman who thinks ahead yet honors her past.
A woman who is both fire and water.
Stone and wind.
Logic and intuition.
Strength and surrender.
Becoming is messy.
Becoming is holy.
Becoming is endless.
And so my journey continues, not as a conclusion, but as an invitation:
Who am I becoming?
A woman unafraid to ask the question again and again, until her soul answers.
Welcome to Arafa's World™: The Divergent Life Architect™.
If my writing has spoken to a quiet part of you, your support helps me continue creating honest, reflective work, independently and with heart. PayPal.me/arafahamad
💛 Tools that support my identity journey
Becoming is an ongoing process — a blend of discipline, softness, and intention.
These are a few things I use in my daily routines as a hybrid athlete, writer, and woman rebuilding her own identity.
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✨ Ferns N Petals — Gifts for soft beginnings (GIFT)
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Thank you for being here.
Instagram: @arafas.world
Snapchat: @arafaalhammadi
My Digital Product (Reflection Journal): gumroad.com/arafaalhammadi
Written by Arafa Alhammadi
All Rights Reserved © 2026
Arafa’s World™ — AW Collective Nexus™
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